How our lives can change so fast. In September, I went from having a perfect pregnancy to living a nightmare. On September 9th I went to the hospital where I found out I was dilated and had bulging membranes. I was having my babies, and at 22 weeks and 3 days they had no chance of survival. Babies are not viable until 24 weeks, and we were reminded of that multiple times. After sitting in the hospital for almost 8 hours fearing for my sons lives, I was transferred to another hospital that had a high level NICU, and if our sons had any chance at life, that would be the best place to save them. With the help of an amazing team of doctors and nurses, I was able to stay pregnant until 24 weeks. I gave birth to my babies on September 20th, which also happened to be my 4 year wedding anniversary. Augustus Hume was born at 2:06am. Our little fighter was with us for 3 of the best days of our lives. His brother, Sebastian Locke, was born at 2:16am, and passed away in our arms shortly after. SO far there is no answer to why this happened. Preterm labor is common with twin pregnancy. To say that we are devastated is an understatement. I think about my babies every second of every day and wish I could have them back. I run the weeks before this all happened over and over in my head and wonder if there was anything I could have done, any way to alter the course that we traveled. It doesn’t make a difference though. My belly is empty and my babies are not with us. The support, generosity and kindness people have shown throughout this tragedy has been amazing. There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain, but we feel very loved and some sweet people have made our days a little brighter. For now we are just going through the motions of life, trying to do the best we can to deal with our tremendous loss.
I was reading the novel Wild by Cheryl Strayed while I was laying on my head in the hospital. I came across the quote below in one of the last few chapters and it offered some comfort in the darkest hours.
“There’s no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course.” Cheryl Strayed-Wild